Thursday, November 19, 2020

Thursday Humor ~

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you!”  I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Me:  (Sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…”I can’t see you anymore.  I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!”
Trainer:   “It was a sit up.  You did one sit up. 

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor:  “Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?”
Him:  “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.”
Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. 
So remember…Don’t sing!
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started. 
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “Wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
If 2020 was a math word-problem:  If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Coronacoaster Noun:  The ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought, “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
This is the day dogs have been waiting for.  They realize their owners can’t leave the house and they get them 24/7. Dogs are rejoicing everywhere.  Cats are contemplating suicide.
If you are trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Thanks so much for stopping by.
Pug hugs 😊 


marly said...

Thanks so much for this Lauren. I'm watching the final episode of Supernatural and bawling my eyes out!

TheCrankyCrow said...

Oh GT...these are some of the best I have seen LOL. Hard to choose a favorite (ok, truth is when I start to comment, I can't see the actual post and I, by now, have forgotten half and have to go back and read them LOL)....but I do love the helicopter one, the math word problem one, and the cat/dog response to stay-at-home ones especially well among those I remember LOL. Keep bringing on the humor....Heaven only knows how we desperately need it. ~Robin~

acorn hollow said...

I laughed out loud with being the same age as old people. When I say my age I think I must be taking about my mother lol.

Julia said...

Hahaha, thanks for the chuckles. I think my favorite one is the one about the Smartphone and TV spying and the vacuum cleaner. A good start to my day.

Hang in there, I'm getting old with you.
Hugs, Julia

JustGail said...

Thanks for the giggles this morning... then I realized how many of these are my reality ;-O

Linda said...

Okay adding a thank you for making me laugh these are so true........

Saundra said...

I can relate to getting on the floor and realizing how old you are when trying to get back up.

NMK said...

This was such a fun post to read !!! I can relate to way too many of them !!!! Thanks for the giggles & big smile on my face as I read these today !!!!

Jennie in GA said...

I definitely relate to too many!!!

Prims By The Water said...

Thanks for the laughs! Janice